I love dick. I love pussy. Does that make me a whore? Maybe, but then I guess most of the world is a whore. I sleep around and I love my one night stands (as long as they are gone when I wake up). And when I tell people this, they always ask the same question. Why?
Well I have one answer. WHY FUCKING NOT?
One of the most common misconceptions of sleeping around and having multiple partners is that I’m looking for that special someone that I want to sucker in and hopefully make a relationship with. I’m about to drop a relationship bomb and break a bunch of hearts.
I HATE RELATIONSHIPS!
They always ruin my plans, my friendships, and my day. Shocking I know! But I think one of the reasons casual sex is and always has been a taboo is because people have ruined it with their expectations of where it might go after fucking has occurred. This is most common with women. Sorry ladies, but yes, for some shocking reason, if you have a pussy, you love being in a relationship. They want to cuddle, bicker, hold hands, run errands together, talk and text on the phone ALL the time. WHY? I know I don’t want a leash around me (well maybe in the bedroom) so why would I strap one onto some poor, innocent soul?
Then there are girls like me. Girls that get a bad rap for opening up their legs and saying, “Fuck me! I want to be your dirty little cum dumpster and squirt all over your face.” Just because I’m going to fuck the shit out of a guy or girl, doesn’t mean that I want you to put a ring on my finger (Damn you Beyonce for that song!) or visa versa. I may just mean that I found someone that knows how to actually use their tongue between my legs and bring me to orgasm.
Having casual sex isn’t always the easiest thing, and I think that is a very important fact to remember. You have to know what you’re getting yourself into, what you want to get out of it, and that there is always a chance for an aftermath.
- Casual sex is just that, casual. It is black and white. No fucking gray areas. If you are going to live your life like a frat bro, then you really have to commit. After sex there is a great chance you won’t talk again, you aren’t going to text, you probably shouldn’t even exchange numbers (like after having sex with me, unless you fucked me like a pornstar and made me see stars). They probably aren’t expecting anything, and you shouldn’t either.
- What do you want? Besides an orgasm, which let us all be honest, is not a guarantee. You might get a fuck-buddy out of it an a few laughs,
- You MIGHT run into this person again. Here’s the rule of thumb: BE CASUAL. Say hi, give them a hug, and then go about what you were doing. Unless initiated and reciprocated by you DO NOT ask to get dinner, don’t bring up the time you fucked, and if they are with their friends say hi and MOVE ON. Anything more than that is so desperate it makes me want to puke and then slap the fucking shit out of you for being so damn pathetic. And then pity you. But maybe you’re into that. And if so, then line up bitch!
Now this advice may seem brutal, but you have to burn this into your brain. There is nothing that will ruin someone’s reputation quicker than being crazy, and trying to turn a one-night stand into love. That is just crazy.
So here is a motto I live by: If I wanted to date you, I would be dating you. If I meet you someplace and fuck you, get out of my room before I awake, or I will than you for being a great lay, or tell you you were awful, and then throw you out and go back to bed.
